Originally published in The China Post (but not online). Read more of Rosanne’s witty and hilarious columns for the culturally discombobulated on her new website: rosannelin.com

Dear MeiGui;
Finding spicy girls for me is no problem. Actually, right now I have a really hot small wife. She’s an American with fake blonde hair just like that Baywatch babe.

My problem is my wife. She won’t let me see my girlfriend!

My wife is usually a good person. She lets me and my friends go to the KTV to play. She never gets angry with me because of bar girls. However, she just can’t take my small wife.

I don’t understand her thinking. My father had two wives and so did my uncle. Before my big brother went to prison, he had a huge family: a big wife, a small wife, a girlfriend and ten children.

As a matter of fact, six or seven years ago during the SARS time, when my big brother came out of jail for a few weeks, he found a new girlfriend, and she birthed him a little son. Everybody in my family admires his strength even my wife; so she shouldn’t be angry with me. She should be proud! The guys at my work in a Kaohsiung factory all say I am the strongest.

Anyway, my big brother’s oldest son thinks I need to explain my situation to a foreign woman; and since I can’t speak English or write Chinese, he is helping me to write this letter. After all, you Western women are all open. Maybe you could talk to my wife? Her phone number is 0955XXXXX.
— Translated by Nephew

Dear Translated by Nephew;
Men like you should come with warning labels. Actually, I think I’ve met you or several guys like you before – full-body tattoo; drive a rusted, old, blue truck; hang around pay-per-song KTVs; chew cheap betel nut while drinking home-brewed Kaoliang – sound familiar?
— Here’s hoping you can’t reproduce, MeiGui

Dear MeiGui;
I’m an Aussie girl married to a Taiwan guy who I met at university. When we decided to return to Taiwan to live, my husband shockingly insisted that we live with his parents.

Since we moved in with them, he has been quickly regressing into infancy. His mother does everything for him. She washes his clothes; cooks his meals; cleans our room; prepares his lunch for work; buys him ugly clothes; and, believe it or not, runs his bath.

I don’t know what to do. His mother completely ignores my existence while doting on my husband as if he were a baby.

Is this a standard mother-son relationship in Taiwan?
— No Longer Recognize Hubby

Dear No Longer Recognize Hubby;
Is this standard? I dare not to speculate, but recommend you import a cult deprogrammer as soon as possible.
— Pray it’s not too late, MeiGui