Editor’s note: In Taiwan there is actually a TV station called “TVBS”. This piss-up was written in honor of the first television station to be up front about what they’re really all about.

Dear TVBS,

TVBS is always on the scene.

There is never an incident of worldwide importance not covered by a TVBS news show.

The importance of TVBS on the international scene is staggering, and its potential mind-boggling.

TVBS, your analysis of current events is impeccable.

TVBS is the NEWS LEADER.

The “BS” in TVBS stands for “best sh*t”.

TVBS sets the pace in providing the ultimate news-providing experience.

If the New York Times had a news channel, it would be TVBS.

TVBS has the most up-to-date information, the most in-depth research of anything else out there in TV-land, or in the print media.

I’d like to see TVBS piped into all the hotel rooms in the world.

Asia and America need lots more TVBS.

Like most people who watch the news, it feels like the only station they really get is the one on their screen: TVBS

‘Cuz if they can’t get TVBS on their screen, they’re dreamin’ they had it on their screen.